Warning: this post contains images of Satinka after she died. I believe them to be tasteful and important to the story.
As a child I attended a funeral and was affected in such a traumatic way I could not go to another one for over 20 years.
When my daughter was only a few months old we went to a funeral and I, as well as my husband, decided death needed to be viewed differently for our daughter. We wanted her to celebrate life, not be inconsolable about death.
I am not intending to talk about our personal beliefs about death itself. We each travel our own path in how we choose to explain that to our children. I want to tell you about how we have tried to make it easier for the ones that are most often overlooked, children and pets, when there is a death.
Since we live on a small farm in the forest, there is death throughout the year. Chickens are victims to predators, baby chicks that didn't survive, mice, rats and even a baby bunny killed by a dog, rescued birds that didn't survive, an elderly dog. This gave us an opportunity to talk about death. We are honest, answer all questions with real answers, create ceremonies and rituals, tell stories and celebrate life. We know that someday there will be a more significant death and hope this will help ease the pain and make sense of a sad time. This was our hope....
Last week it was tested...
It certainly could have been worse, it could have been my husband, myself, her brother or sister or close friend. But this was the next worst thing, one of our beloved horses died tragically and unexpectedly, the day before a blizzard.
Our little girl, just 6 years old, guided me thru the next 2 days with the wisdom of an ancient soul.
After spending 9 hours or so trying to save our treasured horse, unsuccessfully, I collapsed in bed. She looked at me and said "Tink is an Alacorn now." (That is a magical horse with wings and a horn if you were unsure). Tears began to roll down my cheeks. She spoke again "shanti, shanti, peace, peace, namaste" and she kissed my forhead. Wow, she understands all that we hoped she would...and so profoundly.
The next day we had to move Satinka's body. It was in Tonto's (my daughters pony) stall....and a blizzard was coming before sunset.
Our daughter was picked up by friends to go to a puppet show and they returned before all our friends had gathered to move Satinka. When they returned all the children (4 girls ranging in age from 5-7) wanted to go say good bye to Tink. Our little girl lead an impromptu, private children's viewing. The stall is visible from the kitchen table and I could see the whole thing. She explained the science behind why she died, they hugged her, pet her, they talked about her and they took a last ride. Then they ran off to play in the snow.
There were no tears. Don't misunderstand me, I don't have issue with tears and death, I had already shed a river of my own. It just struck me how they had celebrated her life, honored her death and had peace in their hearts.
The day before I rarely left Tink's side. My good friend had responded to help and Seamus, our Border Collie mix, was there too....every minute.
After Satinka died in my arms, I lay with her sobbing. I looked up to see Seamus lying with me...he was crying too. Whimpering unconsolably. When I finally stood up, he took my place, curled up alongside her neck. He would stand vigil here, even after I left the stall.
Daisy, the blind pony that shared the barn with Tonto, was getting more and more upset as the sun set and Tonto was not there. I made the decision to bring Tonto back to her stall, for Daisy's sake....the stall where Tink lay motionless.
I walked Tonto in and she quickly bolted out, but Daisy was settled now. With in an hour Tonto was in her stall. She stood guard all night. The next morning, when she would normally be out at the gate awaiting breakfast, she was still there...she never left Tink's side.
When a pet dies, the other animals need to know. They will understand. If one pet dies and just disappears, never to return, without the others getting to see and say goodbye, they may mourn the loss for weeks, months, even years. I brought each of the horses up to see her. Some wanted to leave as soon as they realized. Frodo, the mini who was much like Tink's "baby", wanted to linger in the stall and munch hay. Going back several times to nuzzle her muzzle and inspect her body.
Even some of the chickens came.
After Tonto was brought back to the big paddock Seamus returned to duty.
Little Stennis was a fixture in the big paddock, where Satinka lived. He accompanied us each time we went out to fill hay bags. He would spend time each day just hanging out in there with the horses, who lived in a herd.
He was noticeably absent during the past day and a half.
All the friends had gathered and we were moving Satinka out of the stall. Stennis, along with all the other dogs, 3 chickens and the children were here. The children requested to be able to give her a final hug and say good bye one more time before she was wrapped in a blanket of soft white snow.
As the first snow of the impending blizzard started to fall her halter was removed and the necklace that our daughter had made was placed around her neck.
Then we began to protect her with a tarp covering. Stennis became frantic. He was unwrapping her...taking the tarp in his mouth and pulling it off. I tried to console him, tried to explain it to him. After everyone had walked away, a pile of soft, glistening white snow remained. He was trying to dig his way to her. I would gently replace the piles and try to console him again.
We sat together and hugged each other.
There were tears streaming down his face....
That night with the winds howling, when we called the dogs in for bed, Seamus sat by the gate to Tonto's paddock. He would not come in. My husband got dressed and walked out to open the gate for him. Seamus went to examine the stall. Then my husband walked him around to that brilliant white mound. Seamus sat next to it until his soul was satisfied. Then he left and went back to the house.
We all miss her. Each in our own way, for our own reasons. Each and everyone of us had an opportunity to say goodbye.
Borrowing the words from the woman who brought us together....
gratitude, pride, joy, amazement, sorrow, longing, pain and in the end, gratitude again and always....for the 13 years we did have together.
Satinka (magic Dancer)
June 8, 2000 - Feb 13 2015
